Stars Shine Darkly

Antonio: Will you stay no longer? Nor will you not that I go with you?

Sebastian: By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might, perhaps, distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone. It were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you. 

– William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night –

Today… Where do I begin with today..? It’s been a scene right out of my personal hell, that is for sure. 

It’s been over six months since I was close to being as poorly as I’ve become overnight. I’m typing this with sunglasses on, even though the light on my phone is turned as low as can be, I just can’t stomach sounds or light today — it feels like my eyes might catch on fire and make me blind, and my eardrums threaten to split at any sound. 

I’ve gotten another cold and my body has crashed alongside it.  Hopefully it’s just temporary as it’s been a long time since I’ve been as far down in the mud as I am today, and because of that I am no longer used to it (I can’t believe that at some point in the past this was my normal) which makes it seem that more brutal. My bones and joints hurt as well, but none as bad as my wrists — it feels like they might fall off whenever I try to move a chair or use a doorhandle, and therefore my water is in a cup with a straw because I can’t lift any glass long enough to actually drink from it in fear of dropping it due to the pain in my wrists. This is not a state I wish upon anyone. 

This is just to open the door and let people see how fast things can flip with this illness, after this I’ll probably go back to my horisontal state with a pillow over my eyes and the duvet up to my chin and just exist, drifting between waking and sleeping, breathing hard as every little movement feels like a strain, until it passes. Luckily I have a wonderful cat that curls up with me on days like these and only leaves my side for meals and a trip outside, while the dog drifts in and out of my room as if checking to see if things are going alright. 

But, you know, the good and the bad is merely the flipsides of the same coin — it just so happens that the coin landed on the  least desirable side today. It will all pass, in good time. 

I hope you are all having a better Monday than yours truly. Wishing you all well. 

– Martie xx

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