The Old vs The New

I’ve come to discover lately how much I’ve changed, or not changed exactly; centered. It’s like I’ve come into my own — the paranoid, stressed and erratically insecure person I once was is just a memory of the past, she doesn’t exist anymore. Instead I’ve grown comfortable with who I am as a person and realised that it is exactly who I’m meant to be, it has brought me an inner calm that I haven’t known before and you know what? It’s glorious. 

Before I didn’t like to try new things or meet new people, I’d cringe at the mere thought. All those impressions and having to pay attention to everything and everyone and make sure I didn’t do anything that could be perceived as wrong…? It was exhausting, and with good reason! 

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying new things and new people, that I want to do it and I actually come out of it mentally refreshed because it gives me something in return, instead of taking my spark away it’s igniting it further. It’s still relatively new considering the twenty odd years things weren’t like that, so it still surprises me, like “oh I just came back from spending hours in social company and I feel amazing, how strange!” or “I don’t know why a part of me want to try this… so I’m going to do it!”

It’s like new discoveries and experiences are waiting for me wherever I look because I see things differently now. The world is no longer my enemy, it has become my friend, and I love it. 
– Martie xx 

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The Week by the Pictures

Monday was a day of fear followed by relief.    

Tuesday was a day of sweatpants and a messy highbun paired with tender love and care.   

 
Wednesday was a day of pure relief and joy.  

 

Thursday was a day of gratefulness due to existing.

 

 Friday was a day of a welcoming challenge followed by fun. 

 

 Saturday was a day for family followed by more social fun.  

 Today is the day of kinship and love, of steaming coffee and friendly comfort, followed by a welcomed solitude and, hopefully, a dose of creativity. 

 

To sum it all up: this week may have begun with fear, but it is ending with happiness and love, and every day has been much appreciated with all the ups, but also all the downs. 

– Martie xx

Memories of the Past – Thoughts of the Present – Dreams for the Future

About five or so hours ago I sat down at my laptop to write a blogpost, I even went and got a bowl of salty crisps. I was feeling blue and I had a need to put it into words.

I’ve always been a dreamer for what has yet to come, there’s always something within me that’s yearning for a dream that can’t become reality just yet. Lately it’s been coloured with heavy boots trekking through forests and up mountains, gear strapped to the back, a four legged furball walking beside me and who will later curl up in a tent with me… that is of course not a reality these days for many reasons. My own dog is old and too sick to come on any of my usual light walks, this will be his last winter. Me, I’m too sick to venture into something of that magnitude, my body is broken from several years of mainly bed rest, but I relish in the days that I can strap on those hiking boots and walk in terrain instead of this asphalt covered neighborhood. I’ve got a long way to go before I’m back on those mountains like the one pictured below.

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It’s strange to see the one creature I want to escape into the woods with for a few hours become too sick to do so, as I grow stronger he grows weaker, and when my body breaks we meet on common grounds.

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This is from 2011 when we climbed a mountain. Pre illness for the both of us — a trip that brought only bliss and memories that I’ll cherish forever.

My walks have become longer lately, they no longer only measure up to twenty minutes, but can go on for about an hour without me crashing into an abyss of post-extertional malaise. I can feel my almost nonexistent muscles tingle and whine from being used as opposed to when they take on the feel of lead because of illness. I love the feeling of used muscles, and more so I love that I can tell the difference because for a long while there was only heaviness, anvils strapped to every limb making it impossible to move. Now, moving about has become fun — an opportunity to come alive again!

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Besseggen is such a beautiful mountain ridge and we’ve had such an amazing adventure both times crossing it!

So, earlier when I sat in a pool of dreams that could not happen today, me just yearning for the weather outside that measured -19 degrees celsius while the sun shone high, I asked myself: “So, what are you going to do about it?” Pondering this I promptly switched out WordPress for a weather report to check how long until the sun went down — a little under two hours — and called my friend who owns a husky, we do a lot of walks together as her dog needs walking and so does this little rotten body, and we agreed to meet up by the woods.

I closed the laptop and left my bowl of crisps behind, trading my blue state for layers of wool and winter clothing, strapped on my hiking boots and left into the crisp, freezing air. My phone blacked out due to the extreme cold and my friend’s black hair turned white with frost. There was ice and frost everywhere, and the sun shone with a blinding brightness as it hung low in the sky where it had begun declining for the day. The air made my cheeks red and sensitive, and every breath of air felt fresh — fantastic!

These days I dream of mountains and woods and terrain, hiking with a tent strapped to a large backpack, a dog at my side, but for now I’ll continue to use the dreams as motivation as I train my muscles and body back to where they once were, and cuddle with my old little gemstone in front of the fireplace where he now spend most of his days, making sure to treasure every moment with him.

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Memories of past, thoughts of present and dreams for the future ebb and flow together these days, as life often does. These days are good, just as I like them and I hope you are doing well, too. Hugs from us from in front of the fireplace that burns from morning to evening in this cold winter weather.

– Martie xx

Frost and Sunshine Remedies

There’s one thing that continues to surprise me when it comes to my illness: some times moving about will provide more energy instead of leaving me drained. It’s a strange (and difficult) line to play with because I can feel like absolute shit only to go outside for a 15 minute walk and come back refreshed, feeling like I can do anything, but I won’t know which way the scale will tip until I’ve tried. Today is one of those days. 

It was -7 degrees today and sunny, one of my favourite combos, and so I got it in my head that I wanted to go out for a walk. My dog’s too sick to come with which is really depressing, so I drove into town and met up with my sister. I’d told her it’d probably be a short Sunday walk thing and she brought her bicycle in case I got tired so  she could just pop me on the back and cycle back, but we actually walked along the river, through the city and rounded back alongside the ocean to then go for a hot sweet chili coffee (our favourite). The entire walk took about one and a half hour, which sounds so insane in my ears because it’s not something that happens on a daily basis and I don’t feel any symptoms at all, sure I’m a little tired but only like a normal person would feel, nothing even resembling M.E fatigue. Amazing! It’s days like these that fill me with hope and help me get through the bad times because I can look back and know that the bad won’t last forever.  And I can honestly say that I’ve had an amazing day, which feels incredibly nice after an entire month of just living on the couch! 

Hope your Sunday is going well, too! 

– Martie xx

It’s morning, after eight but before nine, and I’m sitting on the floor in a dark kitchen listening to the steady hum of the fridge while the cat weave between my legs as he hunts for cuddles, before he flings himself to the floor and attacks my foot instead. Wine is most likely still pulsing through my bloodstream, thinning and fading with every hour — it’s a far stretch from early night when it would pulse with heavy force through me as I waved my sparklers in the air, head thrown back laughing, hugging the group of friends I’d crawled out of the woodwork to be with for the night, taking polaroid pictures to capture the mood and emotions humming in the air as we all wished each other a happy new year and hoping that this new year, too, will be even greater than any year that came before it. 

It’s eeriely quiet now, a vast contrast to the celebratory night that came before this new morning; the fridge has quit humming and the cat has been allowed to go back outside now that the fireworks are over and done with — I can hear myself breathing and the ticking sound of the clock that is usually so low I never detect it is now so audible I can hear every tick-tick as it keeps track of the time that so often just flies past. 

Now, for a few precious hours, my little world is completely quiet, as if it’s gathering itself before embarking on a brand new year. 

Happy new year from me to you, I hope it’s  a good one filled with love and laughter, and good health. Here’s to a spectacular 2016!

– Martie

Unusual Early Bird

Morning! I was up and about by 7am today even though I have nothing going on, so that’s a rare one for me. I’ve always had trouble getting out of bed before eleven even with alarms. Fun fact: when I used to have the early shift at work I’d have forty alarms on my phone, forty! That’s sloth mode right there… it’s not nearly as bad as that anymore though, thankfully!

I’m all set with my morning routine, which consists of breakfast, tea and netflix on the appleTV. I’ve had to take some extra supplements this morning because my doctor texted me last night saying that my bloodwork came back and my vitamin D levels are low again. For the last three years my vitamin D levels have dropped below normal at least twice a year, some times more, so it wasn’t really a surprise. Here we go again!

I’m tempted to go for a swim at the community pool today, but it doesn’t open for adults until 8pm so I’m hoping I’m feeling well enough to go even for a few laps. I absolutely love water! I used to swim a lot, even did it competitively as a kid but my skin couldn’t handle all the exposure to the chlorine so I had to quit, but I still love to go in the water and clear my mind when I can. I’m a water sign, pisces, so that may be it. 

Here’s to hoping!

– Martie xx

The Doctor’s Verdict

Good morning! It’s December 1st and it’s snowing, I absolutely love snow and December so this makes me extremely happy! I’m cuddled up with a blanket and tea while watching Bones on Netflix, a cat sleeping in my lap and a dog snoozing at my feet, apparently we’re all a bit lazy here, hehe. 

I recently found out that the reason I’ve been so ill in November was not because I’d picked up new symptoms and my illness was flaring up, but rather because I’ve had a viral infections according to the doctor. I am not a fan of viral infections as it takes me ages to recover from it, but I’m glad there was some ‘normal’ explanation for how I was feeling for once. Now I’m taking a week off from obligations to recouperate in the hopes that it’ll help my body recover. 

In doing so I’m eating a little differently because I’ve been dealing with a lot of stomach pains. So, now I’m taking one tablet of lactic acid bacteria a day that’s also designed to help strengthen the immune system and I’m eating oatmeal for breakfast each morning, and on some days I switch to a different brand that contains chia seeds as it’s good for protein and energy. Fiber and full grains seem to already be having a positive effect as I’m in less pain than what I’ve had to endure these last few weeks. I’m hoping this will help to better my health considering it’s been a bit bleh lately. I’m figuring out this food thing as I go along as I have to see how my body reacts to different kinds of foods, but there’s still no harm in eating better, hopefully it’ll be what my body needs as well. 

Also, how cute is Marco? I can’t resist that adorable face, look!  

I should probably find out what he wants so he’ll stop whining, haha. 

– Martie xx