Hello From Hibernation

It’s embarrassing how terrible I am with sticking to my obligations (that I set myself, mind you) when my health is terrible and I’m feeling awful. It’s like I just go into this state of hibernation and disconnect from almost every platform just because I don’t have it in me to project thoughts, ideas and goals outwards in a coherent form because I need all my energy to deal with the processes going on inside of me, mentally and physically. And there has been a lot of that lately, a lot, and because I made this blog in part because I wanted to use it as a platform to offer a window into the life of a chronically ill person, as well as it being an outlet for me, I have promised myself to break some of it down in a post, and that has taken some psyching up on my part, but I hope to do it soon. I have also promised myself to do better with this blog, because consistency is key and I need something to be consistent in my right life now, as so much else is proving to be very unpredictable.

During this hiatus I’ve also begun the process of sending out query letters to literary agents regarding one of my books, and I’ve also planned on sharing what it was like working to get that process going, and why my very first rejection letter was one of the best things that has happened to me.

If you’re still here after my hiatus, thank you and hello! I’ll do my best to do better, I promise! Fingers crossed I have the self control to persevere!

– Martie xx

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Looking Up

Apparently I went on an unplanned hiatus… I apologize. It’s weird how this tends to happen whenever things are looking up, it’s as if I get so caught up in joy, life, and everything around me that certain things fall away. Even though I’d like nothing more than to write out my bliss, there just never seems to be enough time for it. Not to mention that I can never find the words that mirror my feelings, everything always falls just a little short. It’s like that poem I wrote and shared two posts back: “words always failed her when she tried to put her happiness to paper — pain, sorrow and lostness always had a more natural flow as it poured with ease from her fingertips” I have yet to crack the code on putting light and happiness to paper, even though I’m sure it’s highly possible.

My life at the moment is the best it’s been in years, everything makes me smile, and why? Because I feel alive. For three plus years I’ve been used to feeling ill, sick and tired, ill day in and day out, the amount would of course vary, some days worse or better than its predecessor. It’s with wide smiles and joyous laughter that I can say that is not my life these days. Of course I’m still chronically ill, but I don’t feel sick all the time! I have moments, minutes, hours, some times days where I feel normal, upbeat even. I usually don’t notice until I stop and look at what has passed because I’m so wrapped up in the moments, until I stop and touch upon what I’m feeling. It makes me want to weep with joy. Because there is hope. For me, for everyone else out there, for every single one of us. I truly believe that, even though I’ve lost that hope several times before it sure feels good to have it back. And if you lose yours, fear not, it will return and know that I can carry the hope for you until the time comes and you are reunited once more.

I missed writing thoughts out in a shape and form that is not a poem (as much as I love doing that too, this is just another form of writing, of expressing, that my poems can’t cover) or consists of a fictional world, so here’s to the end of the hiatus and to the unknown future!

– Martie xx

Louder Than Words

There is something pleasant about that smell of caffeine in the morning, not just any kind, but your favourite brew. 7.30am, you’re awake and so is parts of the world around you, and you go into that one special place and order up a cup of your regular; they don’t even need me to say my order anymore, they just let me out of courtesy. I’ve been assured that they enjoy regulars, though, so I don’t have to find a new place to frequent, which is good. I find a certain calm in sitting at a table in the morning, watching the traffic move outside the window and seeing people walk in and out the door as they too make sure they get their chosen drink before rushing off. My bus is always thirty minutes earlier than my appointments and obligations, I don’t need to rush.

Today I had my very first day of work placement. It was August 2013 I had to go on a sick leave due to my health and I have not returned to the job scene since, before today. It feels good to finally be of use again, to do something worthwhile. This is a process to see if my health can handle working and so -for now- I work four hours at a time, three times per week, but it is enough for now. By the time noon rolled around today my head was pretty spent, but it was a pleasant surprise to notice that my muscles were still alive and well.

I still required a short nap afterwards, something my cat certainly didn’t mind. We ended up taking a thirty minute snooze together:

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It’s been a long time coming this new adventure of mine. 2014 was a year straight out of hell, but it was also the year where everything turned around. Something clicked inside my brain with my rehabilitation and I was able to start working forwards instead of just drowning in the now, slowly. I’ve gone from being unable to lift my own glasses or cutlery, being bed-bound, unable to walk without help because of collapsing muscles, to having a pretty functional life. I haven’t had a proper workout in about a week or so, but my muscles have still gotten some challenges as I went on a weekend trip to Stavanger to visit my friend; we walked a lot and went drinking and dancing. I don’t think words can convey how grateful I am to be able to thoroughly enjoy an evening like that without having to fear a week -or more- in bed, being able to meet new people without almost fainting from exhaustion – the situations themselves are much louder than any existing words I can string together. It was a weekend for the books: a lovely city filled with wonderful people, I can’t wait to go back.

First the trip and today work, and I’m still very much alive. It’s a wonderful sensation that made me skip and twirl along to my music with joy as I walked home from the bus stop, much to the surrounding people’s surprise. There is hope, and this is the proof. I’m not at the finish line, not even close, but I’m on the right course, and with the three P’s it’ll be possible.

Patience. Pacing. Positivity.

It’s a good thing to go by, at least for me.

Take care,

– Martie xx

Body Rehabilitation

Today I went on the second bike ride I’ve done in probably five years. I figured this is the best way to rebuild the muscles in my legs as they’re completely rotten. I am not exaggerating when I say that every time I pedal I can feel my kneecap slide back and forth, because there simply is not enough muscle to keep it in place. After complaining about pains in my knees a few months back I was told that I should start walking on days I could muster it, as my knees were dangerously low on muscle and it was no wonder that my kneecaps kept locking themselves in place, hah.

I basically live on top of a small mountain. Norway is all mountains, almost. The thing is, there is nowhere to go on a bike without having to embark on hills, in fact there is one right across the road from my house and there is no way around it as I basically live in the middle of a sleek hill as well. Therefore my cycling adventures usually last (usually, she says, after doing it twice in one week) around 20-30 minutes, but boy does it work. By the end my legs are burning because of what they’ve been subjected to. I can’t remember the last time I had such an intense burning sensation in my body and it wasn’t due to illness, so this is actually quite fun.

My body is rotten, there is no getting around that, but it’s getting better. These last two weeks I’ve gone on walks every single day, I’ve also mixed it up with some jogging and then I dug my bike out of the garage and fixed it up so that I could use it again and now I’m alternating with some cycling as well. I call this my body rehabilitation because I’m rebuilding so much of it.

It’s taking time, but my body is obviously getting a little stronger each day, but every progress is good progress, however small, and this is very exciting for me as I’m reclaiming my life. I’m not rid of this illness yet, I still don’t have an optimal functional level of energy so to speak, but it’s so much better than it used to be and so I have complete faith that I can kick this illness’ ass as long as I keep working hard, because it takes hard work and dedication to bounce back from anything that has knocked you down.

Right now I’m armed with a large mug of tea and a bowl of müsli with soy yoghurt as a snack, and I’m waiting for my episode to load up of ‘I Am Cait’, reality shows are my guilty pleasure.

I’ll leave you with something that Taylor Swift said when I was at her concert in Hyde Park in June: “You are not going nowhere just because you’re not where you want to be YET!” It’s important to remember that, I think, because some times the long road ahead can look pretty daunting, but you’ll get there eventually, just take the time that YOU need, not the amount of time other people think you need. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it, this much I’ve learned in the last few years of my life.

I’m off to feed my guilty pleasure! I hope you have an amazing day!

– Martie xx