Going With the Flow

“and the sky smiled

right back at you,

like it knew a little

more about you, each

night.”

– r.m drake –

Today has been such an amazing day, some things were planned and some weren’t. I sincerily enjoy to just take some hours to ‘loiter’ about, without planning what to see or do, just going with whatever whims that come to mind, whatever feels good and right.

The sun came out to play today, which is nice even though it isn’t very warm yet; it’s just that the sun is an instant mood booster for me so I really can’t help but enjoy myself when it comes out!

I worked for a few hours, had coffee with a friend, we talked and laughed for hours and then he helped me take some pictures for this challenge I’m doing on instagram (I actually plan on doing a separate post on this because it’s quite fun!). That was followed by a long walk through the streets together before I headed off to eat dinner with my parents at this new burger place that only does homemade burgers, the meat and buns are all prepared from scratch by them (!!), they are honestly divine! The rest of my afternoon and evening was actually open after that, I had plans to meet up with somebody but no specific time was set so I walked around some more before sitting down at a lovely café and readinh for a while, cranberry tea by my side, entering a world far from the one around me. Suddenly I got this idea that I wanted to see a movie and luckily it was still twenty minutes ’til it began so I wandered over to the cinema and had a few hours to myself in front of the big screen, sometimes laughing until my eyes watered. I found out after that my original plans for the evening fell through, but I honestly do not mind because I’ve enjoyed myself so much today, it’s been a very Martie type of day considering I’m the type of person who can devote an entire day to the cinema, emerging only to read between films. This kind of me time just fills me with a wonderful calm and it’s just like it centers me.

I couldn’t have had a better Tuesday even if I’d tried to plan it! Hope you had an amazing day as well!

With love,

– Martie xx

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Flying Free At Sunset

Feet flying, blood pumping, the wind rushing against my face. I love running. 

I jog because it’s good for my muscles and lungs/stamina, and overall health, but it’s slow paced and drags on because of the intention on working up that indurance. Quite frankly it often bores me. Running, on the other hand… Running I love

I love the efficiency, the quick pace of it all; I love the rapid slaps my feet make again the asphalt; I love the sensation in my legs when I kick off the ground and I take those high and long strides through the air, it feels like flying; I love how my head falls into line when I propel myself forward. 

The jogs last longer and are more torturous because they are designed to push my limits, to build me up, they are good for me and my health. The runs are good for my head. There’s little that can compete with the exhilirating feeling I get to experience while running. 

Despite my infamous patience I can also be ridiculously impatient, and some times I crave things to be quick and efficient, to give me what I need without dragging things out. The runs give me exactly that. 

I discovered last week when my head was so full I had no chance of sleeping that a full head consisting of frustration can be a very good motivator, and despite it nearing sundown and that it was thirty minutes until the street lights were being turned off I got into my tights, strapped on my running shoes and put that headset over my ears and cranked up the music and then I just went for it. Best thing I’ve done in a while to be honest. My frustration propelled me forwards and the music drowned out my thoughts, with each stride I left frustration behind me on the ground. I slept like a baby that night. 

I also discovered how incredibly relaxing it is to run at night, I suppose it’s the same as what earlybirds feel when they run alongside the rising sun at dawn. Personally I’ve always been a night owl.  

Tonight I was harbouring excessive energy that was abuzz within me, I saw no other way to rid myself of it in a quick way so that I can go to sleep at a decent hour. So, here I am, in my kitchen, my pulse slowly quieting, my lungs still giving off a wheezing sound from what I decided to put them through, I can still detect a faint taste of blood in my mouth as I fill my body up on water after another successful exhilirating evening run. 

Guess I’ll just have to keep at it with the jogging so that I can enjoy more of these flat out runs of mine, because I’m really liking them. 

Good night!

– Martie xx

Looking Up

Apparently I went on an unplanned hiatus… I apologize. It’s weird how this tends to happen whenever things are looking up, it’s as if I get so caught up in joy, life, and everything around me that certain things fall away. Even though I’d like nothing more than to write out my bliss, there just never seems to be enough time for it. Not to mention that I can never find the words that mirror my feelings, everything always falls just a little short. It’s like that poem I wrote and shared two posts back: “words always failed her when she tried to put her happiness to paper — pain, sorrow and lostness always had a more natural flow as it poured with ease from her fingertips” I have yet to crack the code on putting light and happiness to paper, even though I’m sure it’s highly possible.

My life at the moment is the best it’s been in years, everything makes me smile, and why? Because I feel alive. For three plus years I’ve been used to feeling ill, sick and tired, ill day in and day out, the amount would of course vary, some days worse or better than its predecessor. It’s with wide smiles and joyous laughter that I can say that is not my life these days. Of course I’m still chronically ill, but I don’t feel sick all the time! I have moments, minutes, hours, some times days where I feel normal, upbeat even. I usually don’t notice until I stop and look at what has passed because I’m so wrapped up in the moments, until I stop and touch upon what I’m feeling. It makes me want to weep with joy. Because there is hope. For me, for everyone else out there, for every single one of us. I truly believe that, even though I’ve lost that hope several times before it sure feels good to have it back. And if you lose yours, fear not, it will return and know that I can carry the hope for you until the time comes and you are reunited once more.

I missed writing thoughts out in a shape and form that is not a poem (as much as I love doing that too, this is just another form of writing, of expressing, that my poems can’t cover) or consists of a fictional world, so here’s to the end of the hiatus and to the unknown future!

– Martie xx

The Golden Age

A friend of mine recently told me how proud she was of how far I’ve come, and how impressed she was about all the hard work I’d put in on myself during the course of the last few years. This is a friend who I’ve known for fifteen years and she’s seen me go through everything, so when she makes a declaration like this out of the blue, it really stays with me.

I’m a person who’s notoriously difficult to get to know, I don’t open up easily and because of all the walls that got constructed during years of depression and misery, betrayal and hardship, people usually give up on getting to know me before I’m ready to let them in — because it can take a while for me to be ready, and if a person tries to push through then I shut down even more. Or did. Apparently I have changed.

It’s strange… when you get used to how you are and you know all your triggers and the things that’ll set you off and make you happy, the things that’ll make you stressed or wear you down, and over a stretch of time you begin to realize as more events occur that you’re not responding to situations as you’re used to. Where you expect panic, paranoia and stress to come knocking there suddenly is calm, happiness and curiosity instead. Things you’d never dream of trying on your own is suddenly something you crave to do, because a part of you wants to see what it’s like and you’re curious, and, suddenly, even adventurous.

I suddenly find myself making new friends and acquaintances without shutting down or keeping them at arms length, without distributing personality traits onto them that they in reality don’t possess. I am getting to know them and they are getting to know me.

When did this happen? When did I blow up my comfort zone so effectively that I no longer know where the lines fall?

Rewind a few years and you’ve got a twenty year old girl who is on a constant wave of stress; everything is the enemy — the world, the people, the places, herself — and she’s calculating every look, every smile, every word coming from the people around her in case they react to her in a negative way, she doesn’t want that so she needs to be on her toes. She knows all the exits, should she need to get away. Lies are ready on her tongue should she need an excuse to leave. She hopes no one will ask her to do something or come out because she’s not up for it, but she doesn’t have it in her to say no either.

Fast forward to today and that girl does no longer exist. She hardly exist if you look at her from the outside either, sure she’s the same height, same face, same body, same hair, but simultaneously she’s the complete opposite. Fear doesn’t torment her eyes, her face isn’t a mask, her body is relaxed and her smiles and words are real and heartfelt. She now enjoys meeting new people and hearing what they have to say, she loves to try new things and expand her horizon. This girl has dreams, this girl has fallen in love with life. This girl is no longer her worst enemy, but rather her own best friend. And it shows.

Somewhere along the way pieces fell into place. Somewhere along the way I learned to accept my own thoughts and emotions. Somewhere along the way I stopped hiding. Somewhere along the way I learned to accept me! And that is quite possibly the most important feat I’ve ever come to do.

My emotions are valid, my thoughts are valid, my illness is valid, my desires are valid, my fears are valid — you get what I’m trying to say, I hope, I’ve become my own friend and I accept everything about me now, and that includes my illness.

I am going to say something that never even crossed my mind back in 2013, and had it crossed my mind I would’ve gotten angry that I even went there, and it is this: me and my illness have become friends. I haven’t succumbed to it and withered away, no, but I accept it, I understand it, and together we’re working towards a healthy life. It took me a while to realize that I needed this illness in order to get to where I am today. Without my mental and physical crash in 2013 I never would’ve become a person that I actually like; the well balanced, happy, optimistic, loving, open minded person I am today, because I never would’ve been forced into a corner where I had to decide to face down my worst enemy: myself.

Somewhere along the way I tore down all my walls. I decided I didn’t want my past to rule me anymore, I didn’t want to miss out on great people and experiences because my walls were too high and my mind too guarded. I decided I wanted to live, wholly, fully, without mental restrictions put there by my very own self. It was far from easy and I suspect I’ll have to continue on this journey for the rest of my life as new events and experiences will continue to shape me, but I’ll do it gladly because I’ve seen how much I’ve gotten out of it, how much stronger it has made me. And apparently so have the people close to me.

To quote miss Swift’s song State of Grace:

this is the golden age of something good and right and real.

With love,

– Martie xx

 

Newfound Freedom & Vibrant Hearts

29.09.15   16:16

Words always failed her when she tried to put her happiness to paper — pain, sorrow and lostness always had a more natural flow as it poured with ease from her fingertips, a comfortable world where she knew all the dark corners of her inner demons; of her sputtering heart and dead emotions. 

She does not know all the ins and outs of this newfound world of hers, where each day is as mesmerising and bright as a firework show — forever changing and expanding. Laughter now bubbles to her lips each day without effort, filling her up as she dares to walk blindly further into the spectacular show of colours, people and the unknown. 

Where black holes and numbness recided seedlings of life have taken deep roots, gradually expanding their territory, banishing the dark with a stubborn ferocity. 

She has stopped questioning her smiles, the easy arrival of her laugh, her whims and feelings — she still doesn’t understand them, and suspects she never will — instead she’s learned to let them out, let them fly. She has stopped pretending like she knows where she’s going; she threw away her broken compass that could never stop spinning in vicious self destructive circles, and dared to find her own road through trial and error — she is still wandering. 

A sensation of unbearable lightness has enveloped her as her wings rest against the soft surface of a white cloud above — with crossed legs she stares down at the faraway cities, the people she’ll never meet but still wish happiness upon, trying to decide where she’ll go next. The question remains unanswered, so for tonight she’ll take to the stars as she awaits the sunrise — as she awaits a soft breeze that will guide her to strangers with vibrant hearts; her next adventure.
– Martie xx

Monday Bliss

That Monday blues hasn’t followed me into this week, instead I’m sitting by the kitchen table, smiling, as I eat my vanilla flavoured oatmeal and drink my large glass of vitamin C infused water. Outside there’s a thin layer of snow covering the ice I know to be there, the mountaintops are covered in white and so are the distant tree tops — beautiful! I absolutely love winter. 

In a few minutes I’ll be strapping on my hiking boots and drive out to see a friend, we’ll be going on a walk together with her husky/malamute mix. No, Monday blues doesn’t exist today, and I hope it doesn’t for you either. 

Much love,

– Martie xx

The Old vs The New

I’ve come to discover lately how much I’ve changed, or not changed exactly; centered. It’s like I’ve come into my own — the paranoid, stressed and erratically insecure person I once was is just a memory of the past, she doesn’t exist anymore. Instead I’ve grown comfortable with who I am as a person and realised that it is exactly who I’m meant to be, it has brought me an inner calm that I haven’t known before and you know what? It’s glorious. 

Before I didn’t like to try new things or meet new people, I’d cringe at the mere thought. All those impressions and having to pay attention to everything and everyone and make sure I didn’t do anything that could be perceived as wrong…? It was exhausting, and with good reason! 

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying new things and new people, that I want to do it and I actually come out of it mentally refreshed because it gives me something in return, instead of taking my spark away it’s igniting it further. It’s still relatively new considering the twenty odd years things weren’t like that, so it still surprises me, like “oh I just came back from spending hours in social company and I feel amazing, how strange!” or “I don’t know why a part of me want to try this… so I’m going to do it!”

It’s like new discoveries and experiences are waiting for me wherever I look because I see things differently now. The world is no longer my enemy, it has become my friend, and I love it. 
– Martie xx