Flying Free At Sunset

Feet flying, blood pumping, the wind rushing against my face. I love running. 

I jog because it’s good for my muscles and lungs/stamina, and overall health, but it’s slow paced and drags on because of the intention on working up that indurance. Quite frankly it often bores me. Running, on the other hand… Running I love

I love the efficiency, the quick pace of it all; I love the rapid slaps my feet make again the asphalt; I love the sensation in my legs when I kick off the ground and I take those high and long strides through the air, it feels like flying; I love how my head falls into line when I propel myself forward. 

The jogs last longer and are more torturous because they are designed to push my limits, to build me up, they are good for me and my health. The runs are good for my head. There’s little that can compete with the exhilirating feeling I get to experience while running. 

Despite my infamous patience I can also be ridiculously impatient, and some times I crave things to be quick and efficient, to give me what I need without dragging things out. The runs give me exactly that. 

I discovered last week when my head was so full I had no chance of sleeping that a full head consisting of frustration can be a very good motivator, and despite it nearing sundown and that it was thirty minutes until the street lights were being turned off I got into my tights, strapped on my running shoes and put that headset over my ears and cranked up the music and then I just went for it. Best thing I’ve done in a while to be honest. My frustration propelled me forwards and the music drowned out my thoughts, with each stride I left frustration behind me on the ground. I slept like a baby that night. 

I also discovered how incredibly relaxing it is to run at night, I suppose it’s the same as what earlybirds feel when they run alongside the rising sun at dawn. Personally I’ve always been a night owl.  

Tonight I was harbouring excessive energy that was abuzz within me, I saw no other way to rid myself of it in a quick way so that I can go to sleep at a decent hour. So, here I am, in my kitchen, my pulse slowly quieting, my lungs still giving off a wheezing sound from what I decided to put them through, I can still detect a faint taste of blood in my mouth as I fill my body up on water after another successful exhilirating evening run. 

Guess I’ll just have to keep at it with the jogging so that I can enjoy more of these flat out runs of mine, because I’m really liking them. 

Good night!

– Martie xx

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Looking Up

Apparently I went on an unplanned hiatus… I apologize. It’s weird how this tends to happen whenever things are looking up, it’s as if I get so caught up in joy, life, and everything around me that certain things fall away. Even though I’d like nothing more than to write out my bliss, there just never seems to be enough time for it. Not to mention that I can never find the words that mirror my feelings, everything always falls just a little short. It’s like that poem I wrote and shared two posts back: “words always failed her when she tried to put her happiness to paper — pain, sorrow and lostness always had a more natural flow as it poured with ease from her fingertips” I have yet to crack the code on putting light and happiness to paper, even though I’m sure it’s highly possible.

My life at the moment is the best it’s been in years, everything makes me smile, and why? Because I feel alive. For three plus years I’ve been used to feeling ill, sick and tired, ill day in and day out, the amount would of course vary, some days worse or better than its predecessor. It’s with wide smiles and joyous laughter that I can say that is not my life these days. Of course I’m still chronically ill, but I don’t feel sick all the time! I have moments, minutes, hours, some times days where I feel normal, upbeat even. I usually don’t notice until I stop and look at what has passed because I’m so wrapped up in the moments, until I stop and touch upon what I’m feeling. It makes me want to weep with joy. Because there is hope. For me, for everyone else out there, for every single one of us. I truly believe that, even though I’ve lost that hope several times before it sure feels good to have it back. And if you lose yours, fear not, it will return and know that I can carry the hope for you until the time comes and you are reunited once more.

I missed writing thoughts out in a shape and form that is not a poem (as much as I love doing that too, this is just another form of writing, of expressing, that my poems can’t cover) or consists of a fictional world, so here’s to the end of the hiatus and to the unknown future!

– Martie xx

The Golden Age

A friend of mine recently told me how proud she was of how far I’ve come, and how impressed she was about all the hard work I’d put in on myself during the course of the last few years. This is a friend who I’ve known for fifteen years and she’s seen me go through everything, so when she makes a declaration like this out of the blue, it really stays with me.

I’m a person who’s notoriously difficult to get to know, I don’t open up easily and because of all the walls that got constructed during years of depression and misery, betrayal and hardship, people usually give up on getting to know me before I’m ready to let them in — because it can take a while for me to be ready, and if a person tries to push through then I shut down even more. Or did. Apparently I have changed.

It’s strange… when you get used to how you are and you know all your triggers and the things that’ll set you off and make you happy, the things that’ll make you stressed or wear you down, and over a stretch of time you begin to realize as more events occur that you’re not responding to situations as you’re used to. Where you expect panic, paranoia and stress to come knocking there suddenly is calm, happiness and curiosity instead. Things you’d never dream of trying on your own is suddenly something you crave to do, because a part of you wants to see what it’s like and you’re curious, and, suddenly, even adventurous.

I suddenly find myself making new friends and acquaintances without shutting down or keeping them at arms length, without distributing personality traits onto them that they in reality don’t possess. I am getting to know them and they are getting to know me.

When did this happen? When did I blow up my comfort zone so effectively that I no longer know where the lines fall?

Rewind a few years and you’ve got a twenty year old girl who is on a constant wave of stress; everything is the enemy — the world, the people, the places, herself — and she’s calculating every look, every smile, every word coming from the people around her in case they react to her in a negative way, she doesn’t want that so she needs to be on her toes. She knows all the exits, should she need to get away. Lies are ready on her tongue should she need an excuse to leave. She hopes no one will ask her to do something or come out because she’s not up for it, but she doesn’t have it in her to say no either.

Fast forward to today and that girl does no longer exist. She hardly exist if you look at her from the outside either, sure she’s the same height, same face, same body, same hair, but simultaneously she’s the complete opposite. Fear doesn’t torment her eyes, her face isn’t a mask, her body is relaxed and her smiles and words are real and heartfelt. She now enjoys meeting new people and hearing what they have to say, she loves to try new things and expand her horizon. This girl has dreams, this girl has fallen in love with life. This girl is no longer her worst enemy, but rather her own best friend. And it shows.

Somewhere along the way pieces fell into place. Somewhere along the way I learned to accept my own thoughts and emotions. Somewhere along the way I stopped hiding. Somewhere along the way I learned to accept me! And that is quite possibly the most important feat I’ve ever come to do.

My emotions are valid, my thoughts are valid, my illness is valid, my desires are valid, my fears are valid — you get what I’m trying to say, I hope, I’ve become my own friend and I accept everything about me now, and that includes my illness.

I am going to say something that never even crossed my mind back in 2013, and had it crossed my mind I would’ve gotten angry that I even went there, and it is this: me and my illness have become friends. I haven’t succumbed to it and withered away, no, but I accept it, I understand it, and together we’re working towards a healthy life. It took me a while to realize that I needed this illness in order to get to where I am today. Without my mental and physical crash in 2013 I never would’ve become a person that I actually like; the well balanced, happy, optimistic, loving, open minded person I am today, because I never would’ve been forced into a corner where I had to decide to face down my worst enemy: myself.

Somewhere along the way I tore down all my walls. I decided I didn’t want my past to rule me anymore, I didn’t want to miss out on great people and experiences because my walls were too high and my mind too guarded. I decided I wanted to live, wholly, fully, without mental restrictions put there by my very own self. It was far from easy and I suspect I’ll have to continue on this journey for the rest of my life as new events and experiences will continue to shape me, but I’ll do it gladly because I’ve seen how much I’ve gotten out of it, how much stronger it has made me. And apparently so have the people close to me.

To quote miss Swift’s song State of Grace:

this is the golden age of something good and right and real.

With love,

– Martie xx

 

Monday Bliss

That Monday blues hasn’t followed me into this week, instead I’m sitting by the kitchen table, smiling, as I eat my vanilla flavoured oatmeal and drink my large glass of vitamin C infused water. Outside there’s a thin layer of snow covering the ice I know to be there, the mountaintops are covered in white and so are the distant tree tops — beautiful! I absolutely love winter. 

In a few minutes I’ll be strapping on my hiking boots and drive out to see a friend, we’ll be going on a walk together with her husky/malamute mix. No, Monday blues doesn’t exist today, and I hope it doesn’t for you either. 

Much love,

– Martie xx

The Old vs The New

I’ve come to discover lately how much I’ve changed, or not changed exactly; centered. It’s like I’ve come into my own — the paranoid, stressed and erratically insecure person I once was is just a memory of the past, she doesn’t exist anymore. Instead I’ve grown comfortable with who I am as a person and realised that it is exactly who I’m meant to be, it has brought me an inner calm that I haven’t known before and you know what? It’s glorious. 

Before I didn’t like to try new things or meet new people, I’d cringe at the mere thought. All those impressions and having to pay attention to everything and everyone and make sure I didn’t do anything that could be perceived as wrong…? It was exhausting, and with good reason! 

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying new things and new people, that I want to do it and I actually come out of it mentally refreshed because it gives me something in return, instead of taking my spark away it’s igniting it further. It’s still relatively new considering the twenty odd years things weren’t like that, so it still surprises me, like “oh I just came back from spending hours in social company and I feel amazing, how strange!” or “I don’t know why a part of me want to try this… so I’m going to do it!”

It’s like new discoveries and experiences are waiting for me wherever I look because I see things differently now. The world is no longer my enemy, it has become my friend, and I love it. 
– Martie xx 

The Week by the Pictures

Monday was a day of fear followed by relief.    

Tuesday was a day of sweatpants and a messy highbun paired with tender love and care.   

 
Wednesday was a day of pure relief and joy.  

 

Thursday was a day of gratefulness due to existing.

 

 Friday was a day of a welcoming challenge followed by fun. 

 

 Saturday was a day for family followed by more social fun.  

 Today is the day of kinship and love, of steaming coffee and friendly comfort, followed by a welcomed solitude and, hopefully, a dose of creativity. 

 

To sum it all up: this week may have begun with fear, but it is ending with happiness and love, and every day has been much appreciated with all the ups, but also all the downs. 

– Martie xx

Out of My Control

While preparing to take the cat to the vet I can’t help but worry… when it comes to my pets I’m such a worry wart because I hate knowing they are in pain on any kind of level, and the fact that it’s completely out of my control. Both my cat and dog have gotten old, Bond (the cat) is now 11 and Marco (the dog) is 10 with arthritis that is slowly wearing him out because of the severity. 

Today it’s Bond’s turn for a check as he has had some recurring problems that could have a simple solution or it could be something severe, the thing is that things are rarely severe but it is so incredibly easy for my head to go there, even when I try not to. 

Blargh. Vet visits are never fun, but I truly hope it’s an easy fix and that my goldenboy is still healthy — the fact that one of my boys is severely ill and there’s nothing I can do to fix it is bad enough, I don’t know what I’d do if they both were down for the count… 

No, nope, nu-uh, I refuse to go there so let’s just hope everything is okay and that he just has worms or something. 

– Martie xx