Passing, Fleeting Things With Bad Timing

I’m so fed up with being ill, and it’s only been a day. For a while I was grateful that I was ill-ill and that this wasn’t linked to my chronic illness, but as the pain manifested the joy of this revelation quickly passed. My number one comfort thing when ill is TV but as the pain spread from my sinuses to the back of my eyes to my head, this became impossible — I’ve been wallowing in a pool of self pity all day, not caring how pathetic I might be because I feel that it is allowed when you’re down for the count as long as you don’t stay there. 

In all these hours it has occurred to me how ridiculously addicted I am to not only social media (I turned off all the notifications days ago but I’m still too curious to stay completely away) but my phone. I’ve many times played with the idea of leaving it at home when I go some place, especially now that I’ve gotten a bus card so I don’t need to pay by phone anymore, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, which just annoys me further. Especially today. Today everything seems to be more annoying than what I thought was possible. I’ve been listening to soothing music for hours on end now and I’ve watched as the percentage of the  battery slowly dwindled. I honestly can’t remember the last time my phone died, I just can’t bring myself to let things go that far, which makes me sound bonkers. At 4% I couldn’t handle it anymore and plugged in the charger. The world could probably end if my battery reached 0%. 

What is most gutting isn’t just that I’m ill, it’s that I was supposed to be at a legal seminar tomorrow, a seminar that is only done once every other year or so and now I’m too sick to go. And it’s not even related to my illness, it’s just a illness, a passing and fleeting one with bad timing. 

I didn’t sleep at all last night as this nastiness brewed inside me, just drifted between waking and fading until my alarm sounded. I suspect tonight won’t be any different either, sadly. No sleep seems to be my body’s new favourite hobby whenever I come down with something, as opposed to when I was younger and could fall asleep on will…

This post has no purpose except for me to whine a bit, I like to think it makes things better, at least for a little while, but it really has no real effect on anything. I’m crossing all finger and toes for some sleep, because anything is better than staring at the ceiling, I think anyone would agree on that. Ginger tea and low music is my saviour for now. 
– Martie xx

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