There are times when I am 100% accepting of my situation, times when I understand that I am ill and that my life isn’t what I’d deem ‘normal’ and that it’ll take active effort and hard work to get back to full health. Then there are days like today. Days when I am not bedridden, but not feeling great either. I am at a standstill between two target lines, able to do a few things, but at the same time I can’t do too much because that just sends me into a spiral of exhaustion.
Compared to twelve months ago though this would’ve been a good day, so I am very happy that there has been progress in my situation, even if I don’t always see it myself.
It’s just that… it’s days like today that I find myself wishing for a life without a chronic illness. I am 22 years old and instead of starting my life, having fun, being with friends and just living life, I am instead carefully portioning out energy so that I’ll make it through some days. Moderation is key, and I know that. But some times I wish I could just kick moderation in the butt and go all out.
See, I want to be able to study what I care about. I want to have to pull an all-nighter at the library, to struggle over an essay that is due soon. Of course I would complain about it if ever in the situation, but my point is that I want to have the opportunity. And it’ll come, just not now. Some times I get a little bit irked about having my life on pause at an age where I’d much rather want to be starting my life and learning, and today is one of those days. So much so that I am going on a walk later despite not feeling all that great, but I am not bedridden either and so the stubborn, passive aggressive person in me is doing it anyway. If it’s a good idea one won’t know until after. It’s toying with a dangerous line, but at the same time I need to do it in order not to go completely insane…
If I’m lucky it’ll be rejuvenating and not draining, so here’s to hoping!
– Martie xx